The Truth Shall Set You Free, I am not okay, and that’s okay!
The biggest step for me in this season has been admitting that I am not okay. Although it has come with a waterfall of different emotions, I’m proud of myself and happy to see the progress I’ve been making. It’s not easy dealing with trauma, pain, heartbreak, and grief, but accepting the truth that I too deserve to be whole and healed, has been liberating. I’ve been sitting and being honest with myself. I think too often, we are forced to act like everything is perfect. Even more so for women. We pretend and wear masks as if we are superheroes 24/7.
Well, my cape is completely off and the mask too!
A few weeks ago, I had my breaking point. Emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically- I completely lost it. It felt as if the world was caving in on me. I still don’t have the words to describe what I experienced exactly because I am still walking it out. I could literally see two choices in front of me. I saw this extremely dark hole that had the power to suck me in. Right next to it I saw the light, a small tunnel dimmed with a thin light shining through.
What I heard was crystal clear, “You choose Alysha, the darkness or the light!" I had the choice to pick which one was going to envelop me and what was to come next. I choose the LIGHT!
In choosing the light, I was reminded of the past, when I didn't have a conscious choice to make. Darkness was all I knew, but that wasn’t the case this time. I had experienced the light. I had become one with the light over the past several years. I had a flashback, when I was in the dark and at that moment, I promised myself I would never go back. I’ve come too far to allow myself to consciously choose that again. Believe it or not, I can’t afford to go back there. Too many people I know never make it out. Let alone come back a second time around. For me, choosing the light became the only option.
So, in great sorrow and pain I’ve been pushing through. Each day has brought its own influx of feelings and emotions. Some days I don’t feel like eating and other days I just want to stay in bed all day. But GOD!
Someone say, but GOD!!!
God’s grace and love has been guiding me through. Like a baby trying to walk again. I’ve been falling down and getting back up. I found myself for the first time ever in my life, weeping. It felt as if all of my feelings overflowed to the point that I just could not physically take it anymore. I sat there and wept. Pleading for God to hear me. I felt so empty and alone at that very moment. It felt like there was no way out!
I don’t believe it was one thing specifically that drove me to this point. Most experts believe that nervous breakdowns are volcanoes that over time explode due to the heated pressure building up. It is not one thing or one experience that makes the explosion take place.
It is the recurring pressure that continues to build and build! This is what happened with me. I had been holding so much inside that I just couldn’t take it anymore. And let me tell you, my explosion was ugly. It has been ugly. For some reason, I thought it should look pretty. Lol but that hasn’t been the case at all. The healing process is not pretty and it doesn’t feel good!
Nevertheless, if you desire wholeness it is 100% necessary and no one can do it for you. There’s no one coming to save you. You have to make the choice and put in the work.
Although I'm currently walking this out, I thought it was important for me to share. Especially with the people that have been supporting me. The ones that have been walking this journey with me. For the ones that read my book Complete. I have an opportunity to be real, transparent, and authentic. I don’t have all the answers, but I know that I’m in it! So many people have reached out to me from my blogs, posts, videos, and book, congratulating me. Telling me that my story and sharing has helped them and even brought inspiration.
I owe it to myself first to share and be vulnerable because for me it brings clarity and liberation.
Secondly, I believe that our stories are here to bring healing to our generation which is one of the reasons I started the Mas LaRae platform. When we share with one another we provide pathways to restoration, fellowship, and intimacy. As always, I ask that you join me with kindness, patience, and understanding as I talk through and share some of my experiences with you. This is so new, raw, and unfiltered so please bare with me;
One of the first steps I had to take was admitting that I was not okay. First, to myself then to the people around me.
I had to be honest with myself and the people closest to me in this season. I had to open up and be vulnerable, which can be extremely difficult - especially for me.
I had to seek a support system. Therapy, coaching, and safe places to work through the whirlwind of emotions.
l’ve had to embark on a serious journey of commitment to wholeness and healing.
For the first time in my life, I am safe! A good friend of mine had to literally walk me through that truth recently.
She said, “Alysha, you are safe now.
You are not surviving, you are FREE!”
You can probably picture my face when I heard her say those words. It was like the light bulb went off and it clicked. I took a deep breath and thought to myself she is right, I am safe! I’ve been so conditioned to survive that I didn’t realize that I had survived! I’m here. I don’t need to worry about the next meal or rent. I don’t have to be afraid of my surroundings. I don’t need to physically fight to protect myself. I am safe! My mind has been blown away from this truth! The most amazing part about it is that I own it. I can own being safe. Now, the challenge is reconditioning my mind, behavior, and strategies to accept that I don’t have to survive anymore, I get to thrive and be alive!
I mean c'mon….. MIC DROP!!!!
During this time, I’ve had to sit with myself in partnership with God and really dig deep. A few things I’ve been awakened to:
I’ve been emotionally unavailable pretty much my entire life
I’ve been functioning out of unnecessary survival mode
I have suppressed my feelings and emotions since I was a little girl
I haven’t given myself permission to feel and have emotions
I don’t know how to navigate my feelings or emotions
I haven’t given myself permission to love myself
I’ve been holding onto childhood trauma unknowingly
I don’t know healthy ways to cope and process
I haven’t been completely honest with myself or the people around me
I’ve been on autopilot. I can’t date it exactly to see when it began, but I have an idea that it started around the time I began taking care of my father as his condition progressed. I just had to get through it. I had to do what was necessary for me to be there. Unhealthy forsure, but it was all I knew at the time. While navigating through a romantic relationship that
had been fragmented for years. Now, combine that with undealt with trauma, emotions, life stressors, and whatever else needs to be thrown in there. Pretty much the whole kitchen sink, at this point! Survival mode is crisis mode! All of this was in my volcano and it was just a matter of time until it erupted.
To be completely honest, now I feel like I’m naked. Everything has been stripped down to nothing and I am face to face with God! I am bare. I am weak. My cup feels empty.
But I can say that the storm has calmed down a little bit. I can feel glimpses of peace in the midst of it all. I can hear God saying, “You are right where I want you. Trust me”. This season in particular, I’ve been avoiding for a while now. A season where I must be one with creation, without distractions. In my fear of loneliness, I have tried everything within my own power to skip this part of the journey and process. For many reasons it scares me. Letting go. Letting go of control and fully trusting God! The reassurance is that I am safe and I am not alone. This is necessary for healing and wholeness.
That’s where I am at right now! Giving myself permission, learning new ways to thrive, letting go of control and survival, and trusting the process even if I don't understand it fully. If you know even a little bit about my journey thus far you know that it hasn’t been easy. I know that God hasn’t brought me this far for nothing! It has been in obedience where I have reaped the most reward! This season is no different. So, for those that may feel alone or hopeless please know that you are not! We all have highs and lows throughout life. Some days are better than others.
But it’s the courage to keep pushing that carries us through. It is with faith, support, vulnerability and truth that makes it possible!
So, as always I love to end each blog with a pure message. Mas LaRae means More Light. Our whole mission is to amplify a pure message for our generation. We do this through a multimedia approach by sharing our stories, clothing with a purpose, and intentional relationship building. Learn more about our vision at www.maslarae.com
Here's A Pure Message For You, Repeat after me:
I am stronger today than I was yesterday!
Tomorrow I will be better than I am today!
To my future self, I will be just fine. There's beauty in the struggle!
The Light will lead me!
I will Keep Pushing!